Eavesdropping on the Bus

Setting: Portland, Oregon. The #6 on MLK between Stanton and Killingsworth, 6 AM
Characters: -Old black man (Old Man) who had seen some hard times
-30-something punk-ass kid (Punk Ass) who thought he was still 17

Punk Ass: Fuck man, that eval’ is a bitch. I hope I don’t have to do that shit again. All asking me questions and shit, like I’m fuckin’ crazy. Damn.
Old Man: Youz, I done that too? Uh few times. I been up in the, they done locked my ass up, thinkin’ I was looped.
Punk Ass: No shit? Damn, it’s like, fuckin’, insult to injury an’ shit. First y’all be getting arrested n’ shit, then they try ‘n say your nuts too. Fuck, that’s fuckin’ insult to injury.
Old Man: One tahm, theys gots me. I cudn’t get no booze. Mutherfuckers wudn’t sell me nuttin’ so I gots me a bottle uh, uh, damn, whuts that shit, uh, List’rine. I gotz me a bottle uh List’rine an done drank da whole thang. I sat my ass back, shit.
Punk Ass: Ho’d up. Yuh drank Listerine fur a buzz? Da moufwash?
Old Man: Yups.
Punk Ass: Fuck man, dat’s hard core Listerine n’ shit? Worst I ever done was for, like, a week straight drank a bunch uh fuckin’, Nyquil and shit, ta get ta sleep. That’s hard core as I ever gots. Fuck, Listerine?
Old Man: Yup. And one time, har spray. Ladies har spray?
Punk Ass: Huh? Hair spray?
Old Man: Yup. Yuh gets two cans, spray ‘em all out, makin’ uh, uh, uh cake, pokes some holes, dribble a lil’ juice...
Punk Ass: (laughing) Fuck, doo. Fucking hair spray? Listerine? Maybe they wuz right to eval you. Ah’m jist bein’ honest n’ shit, yuh know? Muhfuckin’ havin’ hernias n’ shit, like yuh wuz saying, fuck, drinkin’ Listerine. No wonder yur all fucked up.

The old guy was smiling the whole time and I couldn’t tell if he was serious or just winding the kid up. Sadly, I had to get off the bus before I could learn more. Believe me when I say when I was this close to coming in a few hours late just to ride with this old guy to see what other crazy shit he had done to himself.