25.3.07

Asshole



The sun is shining (I still am not fully convinced that it isn't merely a hallucination) but the mood is dour. It's been happening with unnerving frequency these days. Usually if I have too much time alone, which is par for the course, so really, yeah, I need a fucking distraction or 12. These things hit on and off and out of the blue and sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the sidewalk I happen to be walking down and wait for it to pass no matter how long it takes-minutes, hours, decades-whatever. Just bring back my fucking smile.
The upside is that I actually have a lot of bullshit in my head so I know where it is coming from and can at least approach it from a reasonable angle. It's not some vaporous chemical imbalance that has no name and no obvious motivation for the hell it dumps on me...
But yeah, boo-hoo, peaks and valleys, "Everybody hurts," it's always darkest... I know all of these things and am fine with them. I know they are cliches, but cliches are cliches for a reason. In fact, I believe that 'cliche' is French for 'how things are.' I get a lot of comfort from them, personally.
And yeah, let's not look to close at my translating skills. Let's just stick with the gist of things.
So, I know that right now I am in a black, black space and that I will pull out of it in time. It's the human condition. We all go through down times, and with a bit of patience and perseverance we pull out of it. There is no other reasonable option.
My real problem is that I can't stop listening to music that exacerbates my bad moods. I turn to the iPOD at work or during one of my meandering, solitary walks through the city and all I want to listen to is Will Oldham or The One A.M. Radio or Sigur Ros or early Tom Waits. It is absurd and I know it does me no good but when I look at all my options I don't want anything but these moody artists. It's almost laughable the depth of my self-indulgence in regards to feeling like a ruined lump of shit. I just keep throwing gasoline on the fire, maybe in the hopes that the fuel will burn up quicker and this will be over with so that I can get on with things...well, more accurately figure out what the things are that I need to get on with.
On the rare occasions I can break out of these music ruts it is only to listen to the Locust or Unsane. But then after all of the noise and blasts and yelling, it is right back to something quiet and introspective. I wish I could stop in the M's of the iPOD and listen to Madness, but I invariably pass the M's by and end up, God forbid, at Sarah McLaughlin, and then it is truly all over my friends.

Holy Mountain?! Holy Shit!


The Clinton Street Theater crew, as they are prone to doing, has dredged up a print of some awesome yet little played gems from the cinema history vaults (Repo Man, The Goonies, Skidoo!). This town is no slouch when it comes to screening great films and it is occasionally difficult to choose between the limited run films that pop up in the various pub/cinemas that dot the landscape.
But, imagine my surprise when I saw that they had dug up a print of Alexando Jodorowsky’s 1973 hallucinogenic head-fuck Holy Mountain.
The first time I saw this film was in Eureka, California. I was woefully ill prepared for what I was getting into. If I remember the circumstances correctly, my roommate, a perpetually stoned jazz-hippie who had an obsession with all things Sun-Ra and Jaco Pastorius, brought it home one evening.
This roommate and I, we did not mesh musically (Sun-Ra? Jaco Pastorius? No. An emphatic “NO!”), at all, other than our mutual appreciation for Tom Waits. His seemingly endless Green-powered bass freak-outs were my arch nemesis, but other than that we got along. We stayed up all night drinking, playing gin rummy, and daring ourselves through bowls of this unholy habanero salsa he liked to make; it was more of an experience than an actual food. Never before have I eaten something so hot as to make my ear canal burn.
He also had his hands on quite a bit of LSD most of the time. Luckily I was beyond my attraction to the Beast, the fear had been planted in me a few years before and we had amicably gone our own ways. So long, thanks for the memories.
He had a habit of keeping a vial (or three) of liquid LSD in the freezer and I, in turn, developed a habit of not buy anything that needed to be frozen as I had a largely irrational terror of the thing falling out of the freezer and blowing up all over my hands and chest as I fumbled about trying to catch it.
“Terror” is not a strong enough word in regards to this scenario. I wondered if I would just ride it out, constantly reminding myself that it was just a peculiar chemical reaction as the planet melted around me—into me. My other option, the more feasible one, had me jumping for the nearest knife in a panic and doing myself in before the drugs took hold.
But getting on with this, he brought Holy Mountain home one day from the beacon of hope that is Video Experience. I had nothing to do but drink or sleep or write shitty metal songs so I opted to spend a cozy night watching a movie with this strange, tittery creature that was my roomie.
Well, if you have seen the film, then you probably remember your first time. It’s up there with your first sex or the first time you get caught masturbating or the first time you get your ass kicked so bad you literally shit your pants. Your first time with this film may have been your last time. Regardless, I believe that one and all sat through the spectacle wondering something along the lines of, “What the fuck…?” as a parade of amputees, midgets, hookers, penises, castrations, shit, alchemy, head shavings, executions, platform shoes, exploding frogs, naked children (hello NAMBLA? Have I got a film for you!), a tasty boil lancing, blasphemy, exorcisms, and a whole slew of other visuals which scrolled by leaving the viewer more than just a little numb.
Plot be damned the first time. It was like walking through an art gallery in some obscure South American branch of the Illuminati, a defrocked splinter group that got so far into the mysticism as to become totally impractical in this dimension.
I loved it.
I watched it another time and was just as disturbed, amazed, confused.
Then I went on with my life. It was always in the back of my head and when people would talk about fucked-up movies they had seen, chances were I could trump them with Holy Mountain.
Years later, that being now, I saw that the Clinton Street is doing a four night run with Holy Mountain. I couldn’t believe it. I remember reading an interview with Jodorowsky and him claiming that some pseudo-authority in Mexico had destroyed the prints. I must have read it wrong, cuz here it was, and I had to go. So I rounded up a dear friend and off we went, and let me tell you, some things take on a whole different meaning on the big screen.
It was epic.
In all of its glory, up there a bruised and battered print all speckled and geriatric, but none the less amazing in an old theater that smelled of ancient books and had no heating, the ancient projector flickering in the back of the room like an old set of wind-up teeth.
If anything the film has to be worshipped for the set-designs alone. I can’t even begin to comprehend how this was all put together. Combine that with some spectacular cinematography, otherworldly costumes (who knew giant pilgrim hats and platform shoes could present such an arresting image?) and one is left with a stream of images that I would tattoo across my body if I had the space and the money.
I was left wondering what zoo he pilfered for all of the animals in the movie. It was like Noah’s ark up there, and I was wondering, knowing what I know now about hippos, how unnerving it was to have your asshole washed by a 6’ black woman covered in Arabic text while a baby hippo frolicked around you. Even a little one could snap a person in half and I don’t know how tame they can get, regardless of how cute they are.
Anyway, I left the film understanding it more. And I learned that the only way to wake up a drunken Jesus up is to tie him to a cross and throw rocks at him.
Practical information that one can use on a daily basis.
And there’s a great jab at Tim Leary. I laughed, as did a large chunk of the audience. Fuck that guy.
Well, the next day upon waking at 9 AM I decided that I had to experience it again. I might as well see it while I can since I don’t know when I’ll get the opportunity again. My friend opted out to go see Fulci’s The Beyond instead. It is a fine film indeed, one of my favorite Italian Splatter-Fests, but I knew that this was a rare opportunity. So, her being the only person within 800 miles that would go see this with me, I struck out alone.
And it was no less awesome.
So much could be said, but I don’t really know where to start, and if I did, I wouldn’t know where to end.
And yeah, I’ve read tidbits from various scholars, critics, and out and out dicks, but really I could care less about references to spaghetti westerns and other filmmakers who he may have cribbed from, all I know is that this film is most excellent.
If you get the chance, and are into such things (hyper-mystical, drug induced forays into the controlling mechanisms of our planet… and tall toilets) you should hunt Holy Mountain down and subject yourself to it.

19.3.07

An utter waste of everyone's time, mine included

A list of crap, for no good reason:

Crash- a handful of shitty people all run into one another. Hilarity ensues while you drink beer and hope that everyone dies.

The Departed- more headshots than a Barbizon catalogue. Fuck Boston.

Coffee- if it was heroin, I would be dead. If it were God I would be in church every day at 5AM. If it were a bathhouse, my ass would be ruined. If it were a papercut I would have bled to death long ago. If it was tofu… well, I might have to consider cutting back.

Stranger than Fiction- why does Hollywood continuously expect me to believe that hot women fall for boring and/or utterly shitty men (Bad Santa, The Cooler, The Wizard of Oz)? That means that there is hope for me.

Stewie and Brian- the greatest comedy team on the planet. Great dancers, great singers, totally hot together. If you don’t know, then you don’t deserve to.

24: Season One (SPOILER ALERT!)- JACK BAUER!! Who knew that TV could be awesome? Nina is hot, and tough! And then she goes and fucks it all up. I could make excuses for her being a turncoat, though, if pressed.

Boondock Saints- Once again, Boston. The mafia. Irish accents. The best cat killing scene in cinema history. Willem DeFoe is on top of his game. I am afraid of Boston.

Low-Fat Cottage Cheese and Pineapple Chunks- the perfect, low-effort breakfast. Tastes good, may even be good for me. Go figure.

24: Season Two (SPOILER ALERT!)- JACK FUCKING BAUER!!! I would totally kick Shari Palmer in the mouth. Twice. With vigor. Nina! With a gun! Conjugal visits? I’ll be there in 12 minutes with a box of condoms.

The Goonies- Not one nanosecond of ambient silence. It’s all yelling and stuttering and things crashing. Makes Top Gun look (sound) like a silent movie. If it wasn’t for Data (Booty trap!) this film could be flushed. Who would have thought Sean Austin would be the one to make it out alive?

Naps- I am a master. Dead asleep in 45 seconds. Five minutes and I am good for at least 10 more hours.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Prequel- Don’t even bother.

"Chosen One" by Smog- the most level-headed yet heart-stabbing breakup song ever recorded.

Micron .005mm Pens- as fragile as a soap bubble, but they make anyone’s handwriting look great. And none of that bullshit you get with ball-points.

Saw III- the only thing worse than the movie was that it is wide open for a sequel. Jigsaw is perhaps the most annoying, self-righteous, idiotic, and resourceful movie villain ever. Fuck that guy. I totally had a crush on Shawnee Smith back when she was in that Blob remake and Who is Harry Crumb?

Umlauts- Makes all vowels look bright eyed and bushy tailed. ‘Nuff said.

24: Season Three (SPOILER ALERT!)- Just started it. JACK BAUER!!!! SHOOTING UP?!!! Tony Almeida gets shot in the neck?! Tony Almeida looks like a young Tom Waits! Fucking Nina is back again. SO HOT!!! I realized why it is that male preying mantis’ and black widows continue to mate knowing full well that they are doomed. Cuz’ nature is a bitch. And men are stupid.

(24 Side Note: If Kim Bauer just went away, Jack could get on with being awesome and not be distracted with her glaring stupidity. In fact, she is such a hindrance that I am compelled to believe she may not actually be his. DNA tests prove it in Season Eight! Jack shoots her in the head, after torturing her of course.)

Top Ramen, The Square Packets- not really a favorite but I feel it deserves a mention as it is the only thing I have eaten for lunch for the past 3 months. I prefer ‘chicken’ ‘flavor.’ Some have expressed concern over possible MSG poisoning. They know nothing.

Emeril’s Essence- put this shit on anything-eggs, potatoes, in fried chicken breading- and it makes it taste fancy.

The MAX- gets me from here to there with no hassle, I can sleep on it, listen to lunatics, and once paid a kid one dollar to rap for me. Cars are for chumps.

The Platypus- hairy, with a beak, and claws. AND it swims, and walks, AND, get this, the damned thing is venomous!

18.3.07

The Locust!!!


OK, you can officially see anything, ANYTHING, on YouTube. And no offense to anyone who may be reading this but I personally consider them lazy posts, for ME. Other people do it and I love it (Jay, Jessie, take no offense!) but for what I am trying (aka NOT trying) to do here it just doesn't fit. That said I can offer small commercial breaks or sounds and sights to things I post about. Earlier (last year) I posted about the excellence of the Locust. So, as a follow up for those who don't want to buy them or steal them off the internet, here is a sample. Enjoy.
I will only post YouTube clips after every 3 real posts. That is my promise to myself.
I lie to myself all the damned time.

Not Quite an Epiphany

What is better than waking up next to a pretty girl and sharing a fresh pot of coffee together, cool morning air dancing over satisfied bodies and longing skin, a lazy Sunday when all things are in bloom and smelling fresh, alive, like newly cut grass and sunshine, birds flitting and doing decidedly bird-like things, dew glistening on tomato plants and rose petals, the sun overtaking a deep blue sky that is smattered with stray puffy white clouds, one that looks in turns like a Volkswagen beetle, Africa, Jerry Reed’s profile c. 1963, and an umlaut… and both of you are mildly chilly , sitting hip to hip on a cool cement porch talking quietly, the language of lovers and friends, watching all things come to life, full of hope and smiles and confident that barring any unseen catastrophes within the next 18 hours you’ll be back in bed together all spoons and nuzzles and exploring hands?
What could possibly be better than that, you foolishly ask?
I’ll tell you.
Journey’s Greatest Hits at 6 AM, LOUD, all “midnight trains” and “lights in the city” as you rabbit punch a 2,000 pound copy machine and call it a cunt as it jams for the 30th time in 10 minutes as some idiotic paper stock from World Vision, that was in no way made to be printed on, tries to navigate through the various twists, turns and fusers of a DT6135.
That is what is better, my friends. And don’t let anyone tell you different.

5.3.07

Real Quick

The new issue of Harper's has a great article by Ken Silverstein called "Parties of God: The Bush Doctrine and the Rise of Islamic Democracy." It is a refreshingly level-headed look at Islam and how it fits into world politics. I am not typically into political business but after living in a Muslim country for 2 years I have a better understanding of it. Yeah, I don't have any particular affinity for it, I won't be fasting any time soon, but I do have a problem with the demonization of it by our government and our media. Moderate Muslims, and this is a guess that I will defend until someone presents solid evidence to the contrary, are a majority that are sadly overlooked by an increasingly blood-thirsty and sensationalistic public and media.
Really, and we all know this, all religions are fucking insane when taken to fundamentalist levels.
My thoughts aren't too clear on this. Well, they are, but I have hard time voicing them as my pen is more adept at recounting drunken debacles and heartbreak rather than totally legitimate fears of an all out and totally unnecessary holy war. I just know that I would like my parents and aunts and uncles and co-workers and anyone else who will quickly and without thought drop a blanket label of 'insane' over all of Islam to read this article with an open mind and hopefully... fuck, I don't know. Learn something?
Whatever.
This link is only a tidbit of the article, but if you are interested you should go to a book store or a library and read the whole thing.
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Oh, and on a totally unrelated note:
I decided today that I could never trust that an individual was truly human if they did not like--love, even-- Otis Redding.