Asshole

The sun is shining (I still am not fully convinced that it isn't merely a hallucination) but the mood is dour. It's been happening with unnerving frequency these days. Usually if I have too much time alone, which is par for the course, so really, yeah, I need a fucking distraction or 12. These things hit on and off and out of the blue and sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the sidewalk I happen to be walking down and wait for it to pass no matter how long it takes-minutes, hours, decades-whatever. Just bring back my fucking smile.
The upside is that I actually have a lot of bullshit in my head so I know where it is coming from and can at least approach it from a reasonable angle. It's not some vaporous chemical imbalance that has no name and no obvious motivation for the hell it dumps on me...
But yeah, boo-hoo, peaks and valleys, "Everybody hurts," it's always darkest... I know all of these things and am fine with them. I know they are cliches, but cliches are cliches for a reason. In fact, I believe that 'cliche' is French for 'how things are.' I get a lot of comfort from them, personally.
And yeah, let's not look to close at my translating skills. Let's just stick with the gist of things.
So, I know that right now I am in a black, black space and that I will pull out of it in time. It's the human condition. We all go through down times, and with a bit of patience and perseverance we pull out of it. There is no other reasonable option.
My real problem is that I can't stop listening to music that exacerbates my bad moods. I turn to the iPOD at work or during one of my meandering, solitary walks through the city and all I want to listen to is Will Oldham or The One A.M. Radio or Sigur Ros or early Tom Waits. It is absurd and I know it does me no good but when I look at all my options I don't want anything but these moody artists. It's almost laughable the depth of my self-indulgence in regards to feeling like a ruined lump of shit. I just keep throwing gasoline on the fire, maybe in the hopes that the fuel will burn up quicker and this will be over with so that I can get on with things...well, more accurately figure out what the things are that I need to get on with.
On the rare occasions I can break out of these music ruts it is only to listen to the Locust or Unsane. But then after all of the noise and blasts and yelling, it is right back to something quiet and introspective. I wish I could stop in the M's of the iPOD and listen to Madness, but I invariably pass the M's by and end up, God forbid, at Sarah McLaughlin, and then it is truly all over my friends.