A list of crap, for no good reason:
Crash- a handful of shitty people all run into one another. Hilarity ensues while you drink beer and hope that everyone dies.
The Departed- more headshots than a Barbizon catalogue. Fuck Boston.
Coffee- if it was heroin, I would be dead. If it were God I would be in church every day at 5AM. If it were a bathhouse, my ass would be ruined. If it were a papercut I would have bled to death long ago. If it was tofu… well, I might have to consider cutting back.
Stranger than Fiction- why does Hollywood continuously expect me to believe that hot women fall for boring and/or utterly shitty men (Bad Santa, The Cooler, The Wizard of Oz)? That means that there is hope for me.
Stewie and Brian- the greatest comedy team on the planet. Great dancers, great singers, totally hot together. If you don’t know, then you don’t deserve to.
24: Season One (SPOILER ALERT!)- JACK BAUER!! Who knew that TV could be awesome? Nina is hot, and tough! And then she goes and fucks it all up. I could make excuses for her being a turncoat, though, if pressed.
Boondock Saints- Once again, Boston. The mafia. Irish accents. The best cat killing scene in cinema history. Willem DeFoe is on top of his game. I am afraid of Boston.
Low-Fat Cottage Cheese and Pineapple Chunks- the perfect, low-effort breakfast. Tastes good, may even be good for me. Go figure.
24: Season Two (SPOILER ALERT!)- JACK FUCKING BAUER!!! I would totally kick Shari Palmer in the mouth. Twice. With vigor. Nina! With a gun! Conjugal visits? I’ll be there in 12 minutes with a box of condoms.
The Goonies- Not one nanosecond of ambient silence. It’s all yelling and stuttering and things crashing. Makes Top Gun look (sound) like a silent movie. If it wasn’t for Data (Booty trap!) this film could be flushed. Who would have thought Sean Austin would be the one to make it out alive?
Naps- I am a master. Dead asleep in 45 seconds. Five minutes and I am good for at least 10 more hours.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Prequel- Don’t even bother.
"Chosen One" by Smog- the most level-headed yet heart-stabbing breakup song ever recorded.
Micron .005mm Pens- as fragile as a soap bubble, but they make anyone’s handwriting look great. And none of that bullshit you get with ball-points.
Saw III- the only thing worse than the movie was that it is wide open for a sequel. Jigsaw is perhaps the most annoying, self-righteous, idiotic, and resourceful movie villain ever. Fuck that guy. I totally had a crush on Shawnee Smith back when she was in that Blob remake and Who is Harry Crumb?
Umlauts- Makes all vowels look bright eyed and bushy tailed. ‘Nuff said.
24: Season Three (SPOILER ALERT!)- Just started it. JACK BAUER!!!! SHOOTING UP?!!! Tony Almeida gets shot in the neck?! Tony Almeida looks like a young Tom Waits! Fucking Nina is back again. SO HOT!!! I realized why it is that male preying mantis’ and black widows continue to mate knowing full well that they are doomed. Cuz’ nature is a bitch. And men are stupid.
(24 Side Note: If Kim Bauer just went away, Jack could get on with being awesome and not be distracted with her glaring stupidity. In fact, she is such a hindrance that I am compelled to believe she may not actually be his. DNA tests prove it in Season Eight! Jack shoots her in the head, after torturing her of course.)
Top Ramen, The Square Packets- not really a favorite but I feel it deserves a mention as it is the only thing I have eaten for lunch for the past 3 months. I prefer ‘chicken’ ‘flavor.’ Some have expressed concern over possible MSG poisoning. They know nothing.
Emeril’s Essence- put this shit on anything-eggs, potatoes, in fried chicken breading- and it makes it taste fancy.
The MAX- gets me from here to there with no hassle, I can sleep on it, listen to lunatics, and once paid a kid one dollar to rap for me. Cars are for chumps.
The Platypus- hairy, with a beak, and claws. AND it swims, and walks, AND, get this, the damned thing is venomous!
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3 comments:
you have too much time on your hands. maybe, i dont know, go buy some t-shirts or something. you smell like cabbage, the Departed was a great movie, and you need to get over your Jack Bauer obsession...im getting jealous. But then again, no.
just trying to play it cool.
crash was a good movie! and season 3 of 24 was the only season i watched...it was awesome. i dont have time for anything but grey's anatomy anymore though =0p
Just to be a contrary son of a bitch:
The bogus second hand tough guy attitude of Boondock Saints makes Quentin Tarantino seem like genius in comparison (and he assuredly is not one). I've really grown to hate that kind of crap.The documentary "Overnight" about the director of the film and his descent into Hollywood egomania during its making is hilarious though, and much superior to Boondocks itself in the same way Burden of Dreams is superior to Fitzcarraldo (though both those latter films are better by an exponential order of magnitude).
I got off the boat half way through season 2 of 24. I just wished the terrorists WOULD blow up L.A.
Sorry, I just think the Family Guy is an inferior Simpsons ripoff crossed with sub Mad magazine humor. The spinoffs are even worse.
Watch the Wire. It's the best T.V. show ever. And it features a Tom Waits song as the theme.
I guess I am a snob.
The new Bill Callahan will make its way through the ether to you soon.
P.S. Did you know your fellow Portlander Richard Meltzer invented the rock n roll umlaut? He's worth reading if you haven't yet, especially his retrospective collection "A Whore Just Like the Rest".
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