If I ended up as a vampire I probably wouldn’t be too keen on killing people…wait a sec, let’s back up a sec.
If I ended up as a vampire I would go out of my way to not fuel the stereotype. No douchy hair/clothes/music tastes/vernacular/florishy hand gestures. No velvet, no dreamy seductions, no pointy leather boots that are rife with buckles.
Main point: I won’t be a douche any more than I already am.
Now back to the original point.
Why is it that no vampires have thought to open up a blood mobile? I’m sure if you find and/or recruit one with some business acumen s/he could juggle the permits and regulations that go along with such a venture. If people can launder millions of dollars in drug money, and write off all manner of ridiculous shit for taxes, and smuggle children and weapons and sex slaves, and have a “massage” parlor that spends $4,000 a month on Kleenex, then SURELY it wouldn’t be too hard to set up a blood mobile and make the blood “disappear.”
Think about it: You get a few likewise squeamish vamps, trick out a motorhome with all the necessities, have some blacked-out sleeping bunks in the back, and BAM!, people are lining up in the Walgreens parking lot to GIVE you blood. No more murder, no more ruined clothes, no more scaring the shit out of people and then stewing in guilt for a week or so after every killing. It’d be effing BRILLIANT! Your smart vamp keeps the papers in line, sets up evening donation runs for people that work during the day, and then you just cruise around the country getting fat with a clear conscious. And if you did get caught and couldn’t eat your way out of the mess, all you’d really get busted for is misrepresentation and ghoulishness. But who cares? You’re a vampire. Hitch a ride on a steamer and leave the state or country until it all blows over.
I’d write a script for the idea but I haven’t been able to find any dilemma to throw into the deal. It’s a perfect plan.
So, you can have that idea, squeamish vampires. It’s my gift to you, but only if you go back, find Corey Haim/Feldman, and finish the job.
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5 comments:
I'm having a MAJOR deja vu moment here. Were we talking about this recently... like after my marathon run of watching all the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" episodes that Hulu had to offer? If it wasn't with you, then I just had this conversation with someone else... which just seems eerie.
I'll get started on a blood mobile mix cd to play in the background. Better yet, just hire Peter Murphy to serenade the donors...
We WERE talking about it, Phoenix, but it was NOT after a Buffy Marathon as I don't watch Buffy.
And Amir, Peter Murphy would be part of that douchebaggery that I am trying to avoid. Maybe Madness? Or Bobby Darin?
all my friends were vampires. didnt know they were vampires. turns out im a vampire myself...in a devil town.
all my friends were vampires. didnt know they were vampires. turns out im a vampire myself...in a devil town.
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