Her: Pretty
funny. ;) How can I not respond to this? Hmmm…yeah, we should definitely not
have a drink together and talk about the bad bands we like.
-Theresa :)
[I had no idea who
this was or what she was talking about. I had no recollection of writing this
person. The problem was, I had been housesitting and drinking and had the
internet available to me in the wee hours. I use my phone primarily for
communication on Cupid, and since I have fat fingers and can barely type on the
thing, coupled with Cupid’s idiotic messaging layout, I tend to not write much…
ESPECIALLY if I’ve been drinking. But you give me a full-sized keyboard, three
gin and tonics, and the internet, and some bullshit was bound to happen. So I
had to go back and see what she was talking about]
:ORIGINAL, FORGOTTEN MESSAGE:
Me: Screaming
Trees reference from someone who just sold me a newspaper with a headline
telling me that black students are finally allowed to get into college in
Tennessee? [I had no idea what that
meant. After (re)reading her profile, I still have no idea what this is
referencing. It’s like my brain just barfed all over the internet] It’s too
bad you like socks, or else I’d offer to buy you a drink. [What?!] Don’t think me too forward, don’t be weird about it. We
don’t need to hang out or anything. I’d just drop a gift certificate off at
your favorite drink spot. It’s really a win/win situation for you. I’ll also
leave you two slurps of milkshake, too. No more, no less. I need my dairy as
well. [Again…what?!]
[Even in braille or
solresol this would be the worst email ever sent. Why she responded to it is
beyond my comprehension. But since she did, I had to write back…because I need
the Last Word when I’m feeling like an unbelievably giant dipshit. It’s a
symptom of Panic Mode brought on by Word Diarrhea.]
Me: Well I’m glad
we can be mature adults about this. Look at that… through all of the bullshit
we can still agree on things. We had some good times, sure, and they’ll always
be fondly remembered, but we’re both still growing and learning and there’s so
much to see and experience. Let’s not limit ourselves. Good luck to you, ma’am.
Your drink ticket is at the bar, and Miami Nights 1984’s “Turbulence” album is
a masterpiece. [Unsolicited music
recommendations are about as useful as unsolicited emails from assholes]
-P.R.
[So I just broke up
with her. Which made sense. I still stand by my decision. It was the best thing
for both of us. Then, she wrote back,
successfully snatching the Last Word trophy from my sad, sweaty hands!]
Her: Hi there!
Wow, so generous with the drink ticket! I’m curious if it’s top shelf or
well…clearly we’re both people of action and have no time for mediocre
beverages. I feel as though I should leave a drink for you also, maybe see
where it goes from there. [She’s clearly
out of her goddamned mind] I mean, if we can both drink solo, I think we’re
off to a good start. A good beginning of inebriation, at the very least.
Thanks for the music tip. At first glance, I’m baffled…but
interested.
- T :)
[At this point I’m
wondering if she is as drunk as I was. So I kept going. My only desire: to get
the Last Word in.]
Me: You speak
reams of sense, ma’am. For truly, if two people can drink apart, then there’s
no telling what they’re capable of when it comes to doing other things apart.
Going to college? Raising children? Detailing cars? Finding the best deals at
WinCo? The possibilities are limitless.
In regards to the drink ticket, I only offer up top shelf
with those, but for all other occasions when drinks are purchased, it’s
strictly well…unless well is Old Crow and a couple of other brands of swill
that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. In those cases, I go for middle shelf.
We may have to do this drink exchange thing at the same
time, in the same bar. Past experience has shown that some bartenders refuse to
honour such vouchers (good tenders of bar will honour them with a “u” because
they are purveyors of class and take pride in their work). [The best way to get in the last word is to
just keep going without taking a breath until someone passes out] I
understand that this potentially complicates our vows to never be in the same
room with one another, but I’m willing to face such a challenge.
Are you up for such things? [Worst “Asking Out on a Date” move EVER! The saddest Hail Mary ever
before typed by human hands!]
-P.R.
[And that was it. I
won… and lost. I don’t know what I did or accomplished. And this is why I don’t
have the internet, and probably shouldn’t be internet dating, and maybe
shouldn’t be drinking. Well, let’s not get carried away. Let’s kill the first
two, then we’ll see if the last one can stay.]
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