Try Not to be a Pain in the Ass, Please

[Sound of cord plugging into electric guitar, amp on, quick feedback burst]

“OK, I got a song I wrote for you. You ready?

[strums Em chord, screams (in key, of course. I’m not a monster)]…

“YOU GOT THE PRETTIEST FUCKING EYES THAT I’VE EVER SEEN,

AND, THE THE THE…

[you hold up a hand and make a disgusted face]

Huh? Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize I was screaming. It’s just that I got a little carried away and it’s a loud song, but I wrote it for you and…

Wha? Yeah, I know you don’t like the language.  I’m sorry, it just came out. When I think of you…

Whu? Yeah, I know. Yes, yelling and swearing aren’t good manners, I am aware of this, it’s just that…

Yeah, I know but if you’d just give me a sec…

Whu? Oh come on! Jesus, every time I try to compliment you, you do this. Yes, every damned time. You don’t even acknowledge the fact that I’m trying to be nice, you just correct the presentation or change the subject. Yes, you most certainly do. I…

No, it’s...

Just wai…

You know what? I just wanted to tell you that you had pretty eyes, it’s as simple as that. And you couldn’t accept it. So now…

No you listen to me, dammit… No. Seriously!

You still have pretty eyes but enough is enough. Why can’t you just take a fucking compliment without deflecting it?

Really? Look, I know I’m dumb and sloppy, but opening up to you isn’t easy to me, and every FUCKING time I do it you shit on it. Do you not want me to be nice to you? No, really… should I just stop?

Yeah, I know I’m upset. Cuz I’m sick of this shit. You know what? Fuck this noise. You don’t want what I have to give, so I’m done giving it.

Don’t touch me! No! Back the fuck off! Yeah, this is what happens. I’m outta here.

Dick.”