I found this one laying around from a Cupid session a few years ago. It’s probably the quickest I’ve ever shit the bed, and I’m still not sure why it went awry. I thought I had this one sewn the fuck up, but after one e-mail I get bowled over with the dreaded Tumbleweed of Silence.
Tell me if you can see what went wrong. Names have been changed to protect… well, no one. I just thought these names better fit the piece. Enjoy!
GraspingAtStraws0243:
A Cliff Claven-type who throws gang signs (what set you claimin'?!), has an insanely specific spirit animal (would it break the bond if it were eying a pineapple?), and subscribes to the cult of the Oxford comma. Psh, ladies like you are a dime a dozen [as he swoons, biting his bottom lip].
OutOfYourLeagueXOXO:
I knew I was a big old fat cliche. Bummer. Will change status to more exotic things like "I like shopping!" and "puppies are cute!".
GraspingAtStraws0243:
That wins the Best Message Ever award? Sheesh, I apologize for all the men before me that have set the bar so low.
As a gentleman and a smart ass I feel it my duty to offer up some sort of reparations for this failure on the part of my gender. These days reparations typically come in the form of a drink, usually of the "adult" variety, but that is flexible.
To be sure that this isn't some crafty ruse to get you to go out on a date with me, I can just leave ten dollars with your name attached to it at the bar of your choice.
However, if you chose to accept this payment in person, face to face, I can offer tips to make your profile not so big, fat, and cliche-ridden. We can "pimp" your profile, if you will (Secret tip #1: Be sure to mention that your iPHONE is one of the six things you couldn't do without. Guys like to know that for about 40% of your time together your face will be softly underlit by the romantic glow of the screen).
Mull over this offer, ma'am, and get back to me at your leisure.
Have yourself a lovely day and a beautiful evening.
Yours in sincerity and shame,
daniel q. [ampersand] alyosius jones junior, jr. esq XII
Now before you say “You may have gone ‘too much, too soon, sir'”, anyone who knows me knows that this verbose and idiotic response is so fucking Me that I could copyright it and not a court in the land would blink. So I’m just being me here and… oh… oh yeah, OK. I see. Now that I’ve typed it out I can see the problem. The brutally reflective surface of Text on Screen just cleared this up for me.
Alright, so I’m a jackass. Either I need a serious Personality Overhaul or I need to just learn to love the Tenga Flip Hole. If the thing had a neck I could bury my face in and a body to spoon I’d be cool with it, but it lacks these necessary elements.
Shit…
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