A flurry of crap...

I knew it would suck, but it surpassed even my expectations. The only improvement, if you will, was the addition of the testing village. But the mutants were a joke (did Sloth get tired of living with the Goonies in Astoria and move to the New Mexico desert, become homicidal in the face of a lack of Babe Ruths). The burning Dad alive scene was a sorry attempt at gore overload (CGI makes EVERYTHING look like shit, with the exception of things that aren’t supposed to look real, as with the upcoming 300 or other fantastical geek bombs) when the original was perfect. And why, WHY did they feel the need to include a rape scene? I absolutely hate rape scenes and loathe any film that includes one (even when Ned Beatty is the victim). This was just a sorry attempt to ramp up the terror-element in an originally creepy movie that now is nothing more than an obvious cash grab for Wes Craven.

I have a friend who latches onto a song ("Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts) or an album (You in Reverse by Built to Spill) (have you heard it, friend? This band, Built to Spill? Put out a new album? It’s really good!) and listen to it quite literally a million times in a row. I make fun of her for it but I happens to all of us. Something hits in a special way that you may or may not be able to explain and you run with it. I was like that with Jesu’s Silver album for a while, but the other day at work I listened to Ewan McGregor doing Elton John’s "My Song" from the Moulan Rouge soundtrack about 5,000 times. It is awesome! No, awesome isn’t good enough.
Coincidentally I learned of this song from the aforementioned friend and we share a love for old Elton John. An obsession even. She said that she had been listening to it over and over again and that she was sad to say that it kicked the hell out of the original. Even loving this friend dearly, and wanting no harm to come to her for the duration of her life on this planet and beyond, my reflex upon hearing her say this was to kick her in the side of the head and punch her kidney. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and goddamn if she wasn’t spot on. Who would have thought that Renton from Trainspotting could just OWN a song like that. Sorry Elton, you got served.
Also, I can’t seem to stop listening to "We're Not Alone" off of Mike Patton’s Peeping Tom album. I have always liked Mike Patton and even when he does a shit song (this album is 5 shit songs, 5 OK songs, and this one) he always has a knack for nailing a good chorus. I noticed this a lot on the Tomahawk albums (the shit/awesome ratio more in favor towards the ‘awesome’ side of the spectrum on these) where he would come in and just hit something right, but only do it once, thereby rendering the rest of the song good, but really just leaving me wanting another run through the chorus.

I forgot, on my list of ridiculous celebrity crushes, to include Naomi Watts. Totally hot, hands down. And I am pretty sure that it is only partly due to her ferocious masturbation scene in Mulholland Drive.

“How ya’ doin’, snickerface?”

I got a review of TV on the Radio’s Welcome to Cookie Mountain published in a smut magazine! How ‘bout that? It’s called His Quarterly and it originates east of here in Sandy, OR. I sent it as a sample writing for a call for writers on Craigslist and they said that they wanted it. I didn’t mention that I had already published it on my widely read and respected blog, I thanked them, then I promptly forgot about it. Then a few weeks ago I get an e-mail asking for my address so they can send a contributors copy and lo and behold, I open the thing up and there is a blandly attractive blond girl with no shirt on the cover. Inside are more blandly attractive women with shaved beavers and breasts, plus some articles on the great outdoors, my review, some other reviews that only handled a bunch of seemingly terrible music from a local label. It reminded me of the old gentleman's mags like TAB and Jaguar--mildly cheesy, mildly alluring, not long for this world. The clincher though, was that there was a small interview with Dirk Benedict. That blew my mind. I get published in a nudie mag, AND Dirk Benedict is in it?! I feel like I have succeeded as a writer and I have no where else to go, so I am hanging up the carpal tunnel syndrome and becoming a hobo. Thanks everyone, it has been a wild ride.
PS- the review isn't on the website. It is a 'magazine only' review. Now if I could only get paid to do this.
PS- I just found out, and this is a little spooky, that the editor of Him Quarterly is the drummer in my roommate's robot-themed band. Creepy goddamned world.

Oh, while I am promoting myself (you didn’t think I’d actually quit, did you?) here are a few more reviews from some terrible, terrible/ OK albums that I reviewed for a local free metal magazine that is glossy, has a black background on all of its pages, likes girls in cowboy hats with a lot of tattoos, and is really nothing I would read. But it scored me the new Unsane album to review (pending) and a great coffee table book on Django Reinhardt (out of character, no doubt, for the mag. Review also pending). These, my first ones for the site, are for crap.