28.4.07

Eugene and Tom


Last weekend I took a road trip to lovely Eugene, Oregon to visit with some friends (who go to bed WAY too early) and to see a fella’ by the name of Tom Heinl.
I saw him open, quite accidentally, for the Meat Purveyors at the Dour Fir and I spent the whole time laughing at his Johnny Cash with a severely skewed sense of humor take on country music (Jesse, this may be something you want to check out).
He is from Eugene and I randomly saw that he was playing a free show there at a coffee shop. Couple that with me needing to get out of town for a spell and me having two good friends in the same town, and well, I was on the computer booking a bus ticket quicker than you can say “I can’t believe I just stapled my balls/left labia majora to the floor.”
So I went, and was met by friends outside of the bus station (the advent of the iPOD has made even the hell that is Greyhound tolerable). One was scattered and quick with the smiles as usual, and one had started drinking too early (he stopped making sense and fell into an internal babble dialogue that we could kind of hear at a soul food restaurant somewhere in the vicinity of midnight).
So, that night was quick and early (1 AM? My friends are Mormons, I suspect) and the next day E—and I made our way to a charming little place called the Wandering Goat to see Tom Heinl. G—made it, somewhat hungover but sociable.
The place was small and I tanked up on the caffeine while chatting with E—. It was a nice time.
This was going to be an intimate show. A coffee shop, a stage-like platform, Tom wandered in with his guitar, plugged in, and started talking.
Now, this is a funny guy. Not too many people make me laugh outloud, but he can do it. Apparently he hosts a stellar Bingo night on Mondays. He boasted that the next round’s prizes were going to be a mint-condition tube of Linkin’ Logs (“They’ve still got the directions, though I don’t know why you’d need directions”) and some binoculars. It would appear that they also were prone to giving out one of those talking fish plaques out as a prize, but he said that they kept finding it in the bushes at the end of the night, so it was off the list of things to play for.
He launched into his set and we all laughed and had a great time. His cover of Tom T. Hall’s “I Love” is spectacular… though it is more accurate to refer to it as a version rather than a cover as I’m sure Tom T. Hall never mentioned Play-Doh in his nose or “spankins’ that smarts.”
His song “Three Way” makes me cringe every damned time, as it is so fucking obvious that any guy who expresses an interest in trying a three way with his girl would be, more often that not, a little taken aback when she agrees and brings another guy home.
Country music… rarely a happy ending.
I can’t do the man justice here. You should check out his website, then buy his albums (start with “With or Without Me.” It’s genius!).
After the show there was, if I can recall correctly, a nap, a viewing of “Volver” which G— and I didn’t realize was a chick flick, more aptly named “Vulva,” and a great curry dinner. Then there was beer, and Boggle, and people talking in their sleep (“Crusty? Can we do Crusty?”) and a sound sleep.
Thanks G— and E— for your hospitality and thanks to Tom Heinl for being Tom Heinl. If I ever get fired I will be there on Monday for bingo night.

11.4.07

ROKY!

I have only gotten into Roky Erikson in the past year or two. He had a song on the Return of the Living Dead soundtrack (Burn the Flame) that I have always loved but I never knew anyone who had any of his albums so I could check it out the rest of his sounds. Finally one day here in town I found a few used CDs and grabbed them. The 13th Floor Elevators are amazing and Roky's solo stuff is a bit spotty, but fun. More like a Tales from the Crypt comic than music, but it has flashes of genius. I am drawn a lot more to the fact that he is nuts. Insane artists intrigue me. It's probably not healthy or nice, but I can't help it.
I read about this documentary awhile ago and finally there is a trailer. Check it out if you want.

7.4.07

Shameless Self-Promotion, Again...

Well, I have 2 more reviews posted at this metal magazine I hooked up with. Check them out if you want. Then be sure to look at pictures of black-clad girls with a lot of tattoos, and fire graphics, and... and... you know, just do what you are gonna do. I don't look at the damned thing. Why should you?
Here's a polite review of a crappy album
Here is an honest review of an awesome album
Here is a picture of a giant fucking jellyfish

Can't...seem...to...write...coherent...piece...


-Jesus comes back to life and demands “More Brains!”
-Cedric the Entertainer is sued for false advertising
-I can do 40 push-ups.
-My roommate claims “Lord of the Rings” is an excellent film and “Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas” is not, thereby adding yet another question to my growing list of things I should ask potential roommates.
-Jay, I meant to ask you this earlier, but if Seth McFarland curates an All Tomorrows Parties would you then give him some respect? You show your age by claiming the Family Guy is a cheap imitation of The Simpsons. You might as well claim that Ani DeFranco is just riding the coattails of Charo (“Cootchie, cootchie!”) or that Tim Conway should get a percentage of every paycheck that Adam Sandler pulls in because of that whole Dorf on Golf/Happy Gilmore thing. Geezer.
-Someone hates me.
-Someone doesn’t.
-Others straddle the border betwixt the two.
-Used CD scores late last night at Everyday Music (open ‘til midnight every night, bitches!): Pocket Symphonies by Air, Houdini by the Melvins, Enemy of the Sun by Neurosis, and Summer Make Good by Mum. All fine purchases so far. I went in looking for the Neurosis album, specifically because the apocalyptic sounds have been doing a lot for me these days. The others were just blessings from the Zombie Christ.
-With this new found and sporadic warm weather the really fucked up people are coming out at night. The tweekers, the doomed, the hookers that were in hibernation for the rain and cold are out in public again. Walking down Interstate at night is awesome. It’s a row of hotels and motels that are there for no other reason other than to house hookers, drug dealers, drug addicts, and that one poor family who actually has fallen on hard times and are trying to make it through a bad patch by staying in a shit hole to save money. Good luck to them and their children. Uncle Jesse, you should come and bring your sketch pad. Very Eureka-like.

25.3.07

Asshole



The sun is shining (I still am not fully convinced that it isn't merely a hallucination) but the mood is dour. It's been happening with unnerving frequency these days. Usually if I have too much time alone, which is par for the course, so really, yeah, I need a fucking distraction or 12. These things hit on and off and out of the blue and sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the sidewalk I happen to be walking down and wait for it to pass no matter how long it takes-minutes, hours, decades-whatever. Just bring back my fucking smile.
The upside is that I actually have a lot of bullshit in my head so I know where it is coming from and can at least approach it from a reasonable angle. It's not some vaporous chemical imbalance that has no name and no obvious motivation for the hell it dumps on me...
But yeah, boo-hoo, peaks and valleys, "Everybody hurts," it's always darkest... I know all of these things and am fine with them. I know they are cliches, but cliches are cliches for a reason. In fact, I believe that 'cliche' is French for 'how things are.' I get a lot of comfort from them, personally.
And yeah, let's not look to close at my translating skills. Let's just stick with the gist of things.
So, I know that right now I am in a black, black space and that I will pull out of it in time. It's the human condition. We all go through down times, and with a bit of patience and perseverance we pull out of it. There is no other reasonable option.
My real problem is that I can't stop listening to music that exacerbates my bad moods. I turn to the iPOD at work or during one of my meandering, solitary walks through the city and all I want to listen to is Will Oldham or The One A.M. Radio or Sigur Ros or early Tom Waits. It is absurd and I know it does me no good but when I look at all my options I don't want anything but these moody artists. It's almost laughable the depth of my self-indulgence in regards to feeling like a ruined lump of shit. I just keep throwing gasoline on the fire, maybe in the hopes that the fuel will burn up quicker and this will be over with so that I can get on with things...well, more accurately figure out what the things are that I need to get on with.
On the rare occasions I can break out of these music ruts it is only to listen to the Locust or Unsane. But then after all of the noise and blasts and yelling, it is right back to something quiet and introspective. I wish I could stop in the M's of the iPOD and listen to Madness, but I invariably pass the M's by and end up, God forbid, at Sarah McLaughlin, and then it is truly all over my friends.

Holy Mountain?! Holy Shit!


The Clinton Street Theater crew, as they are prone to doing, has dredged up a print of some awesome yet little played gems from the cinema history vaults (Repo Man, The Goonies, Skidoo!). This town is no slouch when it comes to screening great films and it is occasionally difficult to choose between the limited run films that pop up in the various pub/cinemas that dot the landscape.
But, imagine my surprise when I saw that they had dug up a print of Alexando Jodorowsky’s 1973 hallucinogenic head-fuck Holy Mountain.
The first time I saw this film was in Eureka, California. I was woefully ill prepared for what I was getting into. If I remember the circumstances correctly, my roommate, a perpetually stoned jazz-hippie who had an obsession with all things Sun-Ra and Jaco Pastorius, brought it home one evening.
This roommate and I, we did not mesh musically (Sun-Ra? Jaco Pastorius? No. An emphatic “NO!”), at all, other than our mutual appreciation for Tom Waits. His seemingly endless Green-powered bass freak-outs were my arch nemesis, but other than that we got along. We stayed up all night drinking, playing gin rummy, and daring ourselves through bowls of this unholy habanero salsa he liked to make; it was more of an experience than an actual food. Never before have I eaten something so hot as to make my ear canal burn.
He also had his hands on quite a bit of LSD most of the time. Luckily I was beyond my attraction to the Beast, the fear had been planted in me a few years before and we had amicably gone our own ways. So long, thanks for the memories.
He had a habit of keeping a vial (or three) of liquid LSD in the freezer and I, in turn, developed a habit of not buy anything that needed to be frozen as I had a largely irrational terror of the thing falling out of the freezer and blowing up all over my hands and chest as I fumbled about trying to catch it.
“Terror” is not a strong enough word in regards to this scenario. I wondered if I would just ride it out, constantly reminding myself that it was just a peculiar chemical reaction as the planet melted around me—into me. My other option, the more feasible one, had me jumping for the nearest knife in a panic and doing myself in before the drugs took hold.
But getting on with this, he brought Holy Mountain home one day from the beacon of hope that is Video Experience. I had nothing to do but drink or sleep or write shitty metal songs so I opted to spend a cozy night watching a movie with this strange, tittery creature that was my roomie.
Well, if you have seen the film, then you probably remember your first time. It’s up there with your first sex or the first time you get caught masturbating or the first time you get your ass kicked so bad you literally shit your pants. Your first time with this film may have been your last time. Regardless, I believe that one and all sat through the spectacle wondering something along the lines of, “What the fuck…?” as a parade of amputees, midgets, hookers, penises, castrations, shit, alchemy, head shavings, executions, platform shoes, exploding frogs, naked children (hello NAMBLA? Have I got a film for you!), a tasty boil lancing, blasphemy, exorcisms, and a whole slew of other visuals which scrolled by leaving the viewer more than just a little numb.
Plot be damned the first time. It was like walking through an art gallery in some obscure South American branch of the Illuminati, a defrocked splinter group that got so far into the mysticism as to become totally impractical in this dimension.
I loved it.
I watched it another time and was just as disturbed, amazed, confused.
Then I went on with my life. It was always in the back of my head and when people would talk about fucked-up movies they had seen, chances were I could trump them with Holy Mountain.
Years later, that being now, I saw that the Clinton Street is doing a four night run with Holy Mountain. I couldn’t believe it. I remember reading an interview with Jodorowsky and him claiming that some pseudo-authority in Mexico had destroyed the prints. I must have read it wrong, cuz here it was, and I had to go. So I rounded up a dear friend and off we went, and let me tell you, some things take on a whole different meaning on the big screen.
It was epic.
In all of its glory, up there a bruised and battered print all speckled and geriatric, but none the less amazing in an old theater that smelled of ancient books and had no heating, the ancient projector flickering in the back of the room like an old set of wind-up teeth.
If anything the film has to be worshipped for the set-designs alone. I can’t even begin to comprehend how this was all put together. Combine that with some spectacular cinematography, otherworldly costumes (who knew giant pilgrim hats and platform shoes could present such an arresting image?) and one is left with a stream of images that I would tattoo across my body if I had the space and the money.
I was left wondering what zoo he pilfered for all of the animals in the movie. It was like Noah’s ark up there, and I was wondering, knowing what I know now about hippos, how unnerving it was to have your asshole washed by a 6’ black woman covered in Arabic text while a baby hippo frolicked around you. Even a little one could snap a person in half and I don’t know how tame they can get, regardless of how cute they are.
Anyway, I left the film understanding it more. And I learned that the only way to wake up a drunken Jesus up is to tie him to a cross and throw rocks at him.
Practical information that one can use on a daily basis.
And there’s a great jab at Tim Leary. I laughed, as did a large chunk of the audience. Fuck that guy.
Well, the next day upon waking at 9 AM I decided that I had to experience it again. I might as well see it while I can since I don’t know when I’ll get the opportunity again. My friend opted out to go see Fulci’s The Beyond instead. It is a fine film indeed, one of my favorite Italian Splatter-Fests, but I knew that this was a rare opportunity. So, her being the only person within 800 miles that would go see this with me, I struck out alone.
And it was no less awesome.
So much could be said, but I don’t really know where to start, and if I did, I wouldn’t know where to end.
And yeah, I’ve read tidbits from various scholars, critics, and out and out dicks, but really I could care less about references to spaghetti westerns and other filmmakers who he may have cribbed from, all I know is that this film is most excellent.
If you get the chance, and are into such things (hyper-mystical, drug induced forays into the controlling mechanisms of our planet… and tall toilets) you should hunt Holy Mountain down and subject yourself to it.

19.3.07

An utter waste of everyone's time, mine included

A list of crap, for no good reason:

Crash- a handful of shitty people all run into one another. Hilarity ensues while you drink beer and hope that everyone dies.

The Departed- more headshots than a Barbizon catalogue. Fuck Boston.

Coffee- if it was heroin, I would be dead. If it were God I would be in church every day at 5AM. If it were a bathhouse, my ass would be ruined. If it were a papercut I would have bled to death long ago. If it was tofu… well, I might have to consider cutting back.

Stranger than Fiction- why does Hollywood continuously expect me to believe that hot women fall for boring and/or utterly shitty men (Bad Santa, The Cooler, The Wizard of Oz)? That means that there is hope for me.

Stewie and Brian- the greatest comedy team on the planet. Great dancers, great singers, totally hot together. If you don’t know, then you don’t deserve to.

24: Season One (SPOILER ALERT!)- JACK BAUER!! Who knew that TV could be awesome? Nina is hot, and tough! And then she goes and fucks it all up. I could make excuses for her being a turncoat, though, if pressed.

Boondock Saints- Once again, Boston. The mafia. Irish accents. The best cat killing scene in cinema history. Willem DeFoe is on top of his game. I am afraid of Boston.

Low-Fat Cottage Cheese and Pineapple Chunks- the perfect, low-effort breakfast. Tastes good, may even be good for me. Go figure.

24: Season Two (SPOILER ALERT!)- JACK FUCKING BAUER!!! I would totally kick Shari Palmer in the mouth. Twice. With vigor. Nina! With a gun! Conjugal visits? I’ll be there in 12 minutes with a box of condoms.

The Goonies- Not one nanosecond of ambient silence. It’s all yelling and stuttering and things crashing. Makes Top Gun look (sound) like a silent movie. If it wasn’t for Data (Booty trap!) this film could be flushed. Who would have thought Sean Austin would be the one to make it out alive?

Naps- I am a master. Dead asleep in 45 seconds. Five minutes and I am good for at least 10 more hours.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Prequel- Don’t even bother.

"Chosen One" by Smog- the most level-headed yet heart-stabbing breakup song ever recorded.

Micron .005mm Pens- as fragile as a soap bubble, but they make anyone’s handwriting look great. And none of that bullshit you get with ball-points.

Saw III- the only thing worse than the movie was that it is wide open for a sequel. Jigsaw is perhaps the most annoying, self-righteous, idiotic, and resourceful movie villain ever. Fuck that guy. I totally had a crush on Shawnee Smith back when she was in that Blob remake and Who is Harry Crumb?

Umlauts- Makes all vowels look bright eyed and bushy tailed. ‘Nuff said.

24: Season Three (SPOILER ALERT!)- Just started it. JACK BAUER!!!! SHOOTING UP?!!! Tony Almeida gets shot in the neck?! Tony Almeida looks like a young Tom Waits! Fucking Nina is back again. SO HOT!!! I realized why it is that male preying mantis’ and black widows continue to mate knowing full well that they are doomed. Cuz’ nature is a bitch. And men are stupid.

(24 Side Note: If Kim Bauer just went away, Jack could get on with being awesome and not be distracted with her glaring stupidity. In fact, she is such a hindrance that I am compelled to believe she may not actually be his. DNA tests prove it in Season Eight! Jack shoots her in the head, after torturing her of course.)

Top Ramen, The Square Packets- not really a favorite but I feel it deserves a mention as it is the only thing I have eaten for lunch for the past 3 months. I prefer ‘chicken’ ‘flavor.’ Some have expressed concern over possible MSG poisoning. They know nothing.

Emeril’s Essence- put this shit on anything-eggs, potatoes, in fried chicken breading- and it makes it taste fancy.

The MAX- gets me from here to there with no hassle, I can sleep on it, listen to lunatics, and once paid a kid one dollar to rap for me. Cars are for chumps.

The Platypus- hairy, with a beak, and claws. AND it swims, and walks, AND, get this, the damned thing is venomous!

18.3.07

The Locust!!!


OK, you can officially see anything, ANYTHING, on YouTube. And no offense to anyone who may be reading this but I personally consider them lazy posts, for ME. Other people do it and I love it (Jay, Jessie, take no offense!) but for what I am trying (aka NOT trying) to do here it just doesn't fit. That said I can offer small commercial breaks or sounds and sights to things I post about. Earlier (last year) I posted about the excellence of the Locust. So, as a follow up for those who don't want to buy them or steal them off the internet, here is a sample. Enjoy.
I will only post YouTube clips after every 3 real posts. That is my promise to myself.
I lie to myself all the damned time.

Not Quite an Epiphany

What is better than waking up next to a pretty girl and sharing a fresh pot of coffee together, cool morning air dancing over satisfied bodies and longing skin, a lazy Sunday when all things are in bloom and smelling fresh, alive, like newly cut grass and sunshine, birds flitting and doing decidedly bird-like things, dew glistening on tomato plants and rose petals, the sun overtaking a deep blue sky that is smattered with stray puffy white clouds, one that looks in turns like a Volkswagen beetle, Africa, Jerry Reed’s profile c. 1963, and an umlaut… and both of you are mildly chilly , sitting hip to hip on a cool cement porch talking quietly, the language of lovers and friends, watching all things come to life, full of hope and smiles and confident that barring any unseen catastrophes within the next 18 hours you’ll be back in bed together all spoons and nuzzles and exploring hands?
What could possibly be better than that, you foolishly ask?
I’ll tell you.
Journey’s Greatest Hits at 6 AM, LOUD, all “midnight trains” and “lights in the city” as you rabbit punch a 2,000 pound copy machine and call it a cunt as it jams for the 30th time in 10 minutes as some idiotic paper stock from World Vision, that was in no way made to be printed on, tries to navigate through the various twists, turns and fusers of a DT6135.
That is what is better, my friends. And don’t let anyone tell you different.

5.3.07

Real Quick

The new issue of Harper's has a great article by Ken Silverstein called "Parties of God: The Bush Doctrine and the Rise of Islamic Democracy." It is a refreshingly level-headed look at Islam and how it fits into world politics. I am not typically into political business but after living in a Muslim country for 2 years I have a better understanding of it. Yeah, I don't have any particular affinity for it, I won't be fasting any time soon, but I do have a problem with the demonization of it by our government and our media. Moderate Muslims, and this is a guess that I will defend until someone presents solid evidence to the contrary, are a majority that are sadly overlooked by an increasingly blood-thirsty and sensationalistic public and media.
Really, and we all know this, all religions are fucking insane when taken to fundamentalist levels.
My thoughts aren't too clear on this. Well, they are, but I have hard time voicing them as my pen is more adept at recounting drunken debacles and heartbreak rather than totally legitimate fears of an all out and totally unnecessary holy war. I just know that I would like my parents and aunts and uncles and co-workers and anyone else who will quickly and without thought drop a blanket label of 'insane' over all of Islam to read this article with an open mind and hopefully... fuck, I don't know. Learn something?
Whatever.
This link is only a tidbit of the article, but if you are interested you should go to a book store or a library and read the whole thing.
--------------------

Oh, and on a totally unrelated note:
I decided today that I could never trust that an individual was truly human if they did not like--love, even-- Otis Redding.

26.2.07

A flurry of crap...

I knew it would suck, but it surpassed even my expectations. The only improvement, if you will, was the addition of the testing village. But the mutants were a joke (did Sloth get tired of living with the Goonies in Astoria and move to the New Mexico desert, become homicidal in the face of a lack of Babe Ruths). The burning Dad alive scene was a sorry attempt at gore overload (CGI makes EVERYTHING look like shit, with the exception of things that aren’t supposed to look real, as with the upcoming 300 or other fantastical geek bombs) when the original was perfect. And why, WHY did they feel the need to include a rape scene? I absolutely hate rape scenes and loathe any film that includes one (even when Ned Beatty is the victim). This was just a sorry attempt to ramp up the terror-element in an originally creepy movie that now is nothing more than an obvious cash grab for Wes Craven.

I have a friend who latches onto a song ("Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts) or an album (You in Reverse by Built to Spill) (have you heard it, friend? This band, Built to Spill? Put out a new album? It’s really good!) and listen to it quite literally a million times in a row. I make fun of her for it but I happens to all of us. Something hits in a special way that you may or may not be able to explain and you run with it. I was like that with Jesu’s Silver album for a while, but the other day at work I listened to Ewan McGregor doing Elton John’s "My Song" from the Moulan Rouge soundtrack about 5,000 times. It is awesome! No, awesome isn’t good enough.
Coincidentally I learned of this song from the aforementioned friend and we share a love for old Elton John. An obsession even. She said that she had been listening to it over and over again and that she was sad to say that it kicked the hell out of the original. Even loving this friend dearly, and wanting no harm to come to her for the duration of her life on this planet and beyond, my reflex upon hearing her say this was to kick her in the side of the head and punch her kidney. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and goddamn if she wasn’t spot on. Who would have thought that Renton from Trainspotting could just OWN a song like that. Sorry Elton, you got served.
Also, I can’t seem to stop listening to "We're Not Alone" off of Mike Patton’s Peeping Tom album. I have always liked Mike Patton and even when he does a shit song (this album is 5 shit songs, 5 OK songs, and this one) he always has a knack for nailing a good chorus. I noticed this a lot on the Tomahawk albums (the shit/awesome ratio more in favor towards the ‘awesome’ side of the spectrum on these) where he would come in and just hit something right, but only do it once, thereby rendering the rest of the song good, but really just leaving me wanting another run through the chorus.

I forgot, on my list of ridiculous celebrity crushes, to include Naomi Watts. Totally hot, hands down. And I am pretty sure that it is only partly due to her ferocious masturbation scene in Mulholland Drive.

“How ya’ doin’, snickerface?”

I got a review of TV on the Radio’s Welcome to Cookie Mountain published in a smut magazine! How ‘bout that? It’s called His Quarterly and it originates east of here in Sandy, OR. I sent it as a sample writing for a call for writers on Craigslist and they said that they wanted it. I didn’t mention that I had already published it on my widely read and respected blog, I thanked them, then I promptly forgot about it. Then a few weeks ago I get an e-mail asking for my address so they can send a contributors copy and lo and behold, I open the thing up and there is a blandly attractive blond girl with no shirt on the cover. Inside are more blandly attractive women with shaved beavers and breasts, plus some articles on the great outdoors, my review, some other reviews that only handled a bunch of seemingly terrible music from a local label. It reminded me of the old gentleman's mags like TAB and Jaguar--mildly cheesy, mildly alluring, not long for this world. The clincher though, was that there was a small interview with Dirk Benedict. That blew my mind. I get published in a nudie mag, AND Dirk Benedict is in it?! I feel like I have succeeded as a writer and I have no where else to go, so I am hanging up the carpal tunnel syndrome and becoming a hobo. Thanks everyone, it has been a wild ride.
PS- the review isn't on the website. It is a 'magazine only' review. Now if I could only get paid to do this.
PS- I just found out, and this is a little spooky, that the editor of Him Quarterly is the drummer in my roommate's robot-themed band. Creepy goddamned world.

Oh, while I am promoting myself (you didn’t think I’d actually quit, did you?) here are a few more reviews from some terrible, terrible/ OK albums that I reviewed for a local free metal magazine that is glossy, has a black background on all of its pages, likes girls in cowboy hats with a lot of tattoos, and is really nothing I would read. But it scored me the new Unsane album to review (pending) and a great coffee table book on Django Reinhardt (out of character, no doubt, for the mag. Review also pending). These, my first ones for the site, are for crap.